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Phoebe…. A very brave and wonderful young person, that I knew when she was a little child. http://phoebewilding.wordpress.com/2013/02/ God answered prayer! Not in the way I sought; Not in the way that I had thought He ought! But in His own good way and I could see, He answered in the fashion best for me. And I was glad that I had such a share In His parental love and gracious care, That thus He answered prayer. God answered prayer! But not in my brief hour: I looked to see the fruit ere yet the flower Had shed its gales of sweetness o’er my path! But I have learned that slowest blossoms yield The choicest fruit; and so I leave them there Upon the boughs, assured that they will bear In time my answered prayer! God answered prayer! So sweetly that I stand Amid the blessing of His wondrous hand, And marvel at the miracle I see, The fashion that His love has wrought for me, Pray on for the impossible and dare, Upon thy banner this brave motto bear, “My Father answers prayer.” Seeing, Feeling and Understanding February 19, 2013 Seeing….. Seeing what people rush to hide Seeing clearly what’s on the inside Seeing through people’s fake highs Seeing the inner turmoil and sighs Seeing things as they truly are Seeing under the radar Feeling….. Feeling the loss, pain and shame Feeling the heat in taking the blame Feeling life slipping through your fingers Feeling the scar that forever lingers Feeling the agony of failing Feeling the torture of not knowing Understanding….. Understanding the confusion Understanding the false illusions Understanding the far away gaze Understanding the defiant faze Understanding the inner reasoning Understanding the deepest feelings If we could see,feel and understand What’s in the heart of each man How would we treat Those we so recently meet Who act like they’re in a cage Or those who take center stage If we could see people as we see ourselves Reacting differently to the stuff on the shelves Learning to look past the first impressions Learning someone’s true confessions Would we so quickly jump to conclusions Filling our head with false delusions If we could give people a chance Instead of judging at a first glance We would see them in a new light Without biasness blinding our sight We would then come to realize The best friends hidden in disguise -Phoebe Wilding-The Moment Everything Changed February 19, 2013 The moment I found out I got leukemia it was like my life was ripped away from me. Before I was relatively happy, although life wasn’t perfect, it made sense and I felt like I was finally getting to a place where I could figure out what I wanted. There was a lot of confusion for me at the time due to the fact that what I had been doing for a year I didn’t really need to do anymore and I was trying to figure out what to do next. It wasn’t perfect of course, but it was life and all around it was good. But from one moment to the next it was gone, everything that I wanted to do, all my hopes and dreams, everything that seemed to be finally within reach was gone and I was left with the uncertain feeling that too soon I would also be gone and without really having done anything to be proud of in this life. With each day that passed things kind of just seemed to go from bad to worse with each check up and test it was another day of bad news, another day of trying to be strong and failing. After my first round of chemo treatment which wasn’t successful in ridding my bone marrow of the leukemic cells, we moved to the states. I had been in Mexico a year and I was very close the people I lived with and knew well there. Just moving in itself was painful, not knowing what the future held for me, not knowing if I would ever see them again. When I got to San Antonio I learned that I couldn’t be treated without some sort of insurance and at that moment I lost control. It was like everything had been taken away and then I was slapped in the face for even hoping things could get better. I asked the Lord why, why he had allowed this to happen, why he was doing this to me, why he was making it so hard. I told him I hated him for doing this to me when I tried so hard to please him and do what he asked of me. After the crying and begging for a reason, an answer ended. He spoke to me, it wasn’t an audible voice, there were no life altering signs, just a calm, loving tender, voice in my heart. The voice said. I have been with you from the beginning, from the time you were born I cared for you, protected you, supplied your needs and your wants. I have been with you at every step blessing your life and guiding you and giving you what was always best for you. You praised me when I came through for you, and throughout your life you learn that I never take anything away from you without giving you something better. Everything that I have ever allowed to happen to you was for your best and what you ultimately needed at the time, the good and the bad, the hopes fulfilled and the hopes disappointed. So it is with this, this is for your best; I have allowed this because in the end you will be thankful you went through this. I know you don’t understand the reasons now and you feel abandoned and alone, yet you are not. I’m here giving you the grace for each day. Just as I have asked you to trust me before so I ask you to trust me again. Trust me that I am in control and I will bring to pass my perfect plan. After that I had a peace. As most of you know I did get into the hospital and with that came another round of chemo and a secondary infection that almost killed me. Chemo sucked, ICU was hell, and recovery was long, painful and annoying. Yet with every moment I was given what I needed to get through it, and right now I’m at a point where I just have to wait and see. Things are as uncertain as ever and I really don’t know what going to happen next, what my future holds or how long it will be. But the one thing I do know is that everything is going to work out, everything is going to end just fine one way or another. But most importantly I will be given the grace for what I have to face and the strength to go through it and in the end I will be thankful to have gone through this and will know the reason why and it all will be worth it. The Reason to Why February 19, 2013 In these days, for some reason we are so scared of death and try to do everything we can to fight it, to delay it, to postpone the inevitable. There are many reasons for why we do this, I guess the main one would be we’re afraid to leave this life behind, we’re afraid to leave our loved ones, our friends, our family, the people we care about. We are so attached to this life, and there are so many things that we don’t know about the next life that we’re scared to let go. If we have children, we want to spend as much time with them as we can and we worry about what will happen to them when we are gone. We worry if they will be ok, if they will move on from our passing, if they will accept what has happened and move forward with their lives. For me the question was this: should I hang on and fight with everything within me for that one more breath, for that one more moment on this earth, and that maybe by me fighting, it will encourage someone else to not give up, to keep going in spite of what life throws at them, to keep hanging on and to keep hoping that things will end differently than what l have been told? Or should I let go, and trust that everything will be ok without me. To trust that whatever reason this is happening for, it’s a good one. To trust that everything that I have gone through has not been in vain, to trust that my life has reason and purpose and that even though I’m here for a shorter time than a lot of people that I did accomplish something good, that I did my part to make the world a better place for those who knew me, that no matter what happens there is a reason, a purpose, a plan. By choosing this was I giving up? Was I failing myself and family and friends and even the Lord by not being willing to continue fighting? Was there something more that I needed to do? Was I in fact missing out on something awesome and wonderful if I would just keep going, keep trying and never let go of the fact of where there is life there is hope and as long as I keep fighting things always have the potential to get better. All these thoughts and more went through my mind as tried to figure out what I should do.. As I lay in bed, these thoughts and more running through my head, there came a peace that told me it was time, that I had completed what I was placed on earth for, a peace that said that as I let go He would take care of those that I would have to leave behind for now. A peace that told me as I took this final step I would enter into the last phase of my life and complete the reason why He saved me from ICU and brought me here. As you know, I decided to trust what I felt and let go, to enjoy what I have left and trust the Lord for the rest. All of these questions that ran through my mind are still there and I honestly don’t know the answer to most of them and I guess I won’t till I pass over to the Other Side. I’m writing this because I know a lot of you have questions about what I have decided to do and a lot of you feel that I should have chosen differently and I wanted to write and explain this to you, so that you would know that my decision wasn’t based on what happened to me the last time I went through chemo and although it has been a factor in my deciding it hasn’t been the main reason, or the deciding factor. Through everything in my life, I have learned to trust the voice in my heart that has lead me each step of the way, through all the things I’ve been through, through all the good and bad choices I’ve made. The Lord has been the one to carry me through everything that I have been through before and will yet through everything that I will face over these last couple months. As I have trusted Him before, so must I trust Him again and hold to the reality that He has never failed me before and He won’t fail me now. Decision February 19, 2013 I’m sitting here trying to figure out what say, and coming up completely blank. I guess writing this out as a Facebook status makes it just that more real, but you need to know and so here it goes. On Jan 11th i went in for a bone marrow test, to see how my DNA was doing, to see if the abnormalities were still there and what the chances were of the Leukemia coming back. I was told to wait 3 weeks for the results. 11 days later my doctor called me and asked me to come in. At the appointment the doctor told me that not only was the Leukemia back in my bone marrow, but also that it was active. The options he gave me were: a bone marrow transplant which had a 50% chance of success and me surviving up to 5 years. Or I could continue as I am and not do any form of treatment. That would only give me a few months at most. The thing is that once the Leukemia comes back after it’s been in remission, it is very had to get rid of because it has become resistant to the chemo. Considering everything I’ve been through due to chemo, plus the lack of guarantee that the bone marrow will be successful, I have decided to continue as i have been without treatment and enjoy what I have left. I know some of you would like me to keep trying chemo and go for the transplant and do everything i can to fight this, but in praying about it and seeing what i have the faith for, I would prefer to spend my last days in peace, and enjoy life to the best of my ability. It freaks me out just as much as it is probably scaring you, and it’s hard for me to believe that it has gotten to the point that I’m actually sitting here typing this. As hard as it is, i hope you can support me in this so that the few months that i do have, will be peaceful and happy. Besides I’m going to Heaven, and what’s better than that? I love you and am so thankful for your support of me over these last 8 months, it has meant more to me then you will know. I love you!